


Help, I'm alive

by Unda



Series: It's the end of the world as we know it [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Borderline Personality Disorder, M/M, Medication, Mention of Suicidal Ideation, POV Dirk Strider, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Therapy, fictional therapy is unrealistic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-30
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-11-06 22:04:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11045250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unda/pseuds/Unda
Summary: Dave is not okay and Dirk can't deal with it alone anymore. When Dave was little and Dirk was trying to convince him something new was harmless he'd have to do it first so, fine, if he has to go to therapy first to prove that it's fine then he'll do that. It's not like there's anything amiss with him, is there? Set between chapters 13 and 14 of M.C. Escher that's my favourite MC.





	Help, I'm alive

Dave has had panic attacks before. When he was younger and Bro was still around they were different. He would freeze up and mentally vanish, his fast breathing the only clue that anything was wrong. Sometimes he’d have to hide, get somewhere in a corner where he could see every angle that someone might come up on him. But as Dave aged and Bro piled trauma onto trauma they got… less manageable.

 

Ironically the day after Bro died, the first time that Dave met Karkat was one of his worst ones in a while. After you had taken him to New York with the rest of his family, they got worse. Hal assured you that this wasn’t uncommon, for someone to start processing damage to their mind once they were safe. Dave knew that Bro wasn’t coming back, but he still freaked out.

 

The strangest things set him off. Obviously sudden noises or unexpected flash stepping near him could panic him but that made sense. It was the smaller, stranger things that puzzled you. The sound of Roxanne drawing a knife out of the block made Dave’s breath hitch if he heard it, clowns made him wary, and certain textures could get him acting jumpy all day. But you worked through these things, you set Roxanne’s knives up in a way that they didn’t make that noise, Hal screened the things that you all watched, and you removed all cushions with any fabric similar to smuppet fabric.

 

By the time you were in Texas again, he was better than ever. He was relaxed with his sisters and genuinely excited about life after Bro. You had thought that you were handling this well.

 

When Dave’s screaming woke you up in the night, you knew that you were wrong. You were halfway to his room before you even properly woke up. Dave was thrashing around, tangled in his sheets and still screaming. You grabbed him and tried to shake him awake, but he wouldn’t come to. He was screaming and crying, his eyes wide and staring at nothing at all. Everyone else in the house was up before you managed to bring him back.

 

Dave threw himself into your arms and bawled, entirely inconsolable. He had been dreaming about Bro and also about that other boy, Karkat. He seemed convinced that somehow your dead brother had killed his friend and when he found out that he was fine the adrenaline finally caught up with him, and he threw up. You had never seen him this bad. You had the forethought to message his friend, but then his mother tried to get you into an argument about how Dave was getting worse, how he needed help. You got rid of them and tried to get Dave to go back to sleep, even Hal started making calm music for him.

 

This leaves you where you are now. You’re propped up slightly in Dave’s bed with Dave curled up against you. He’s still so small, his body poorly nourished through his life because even when you could get money to feed him with you still didn’t know how to do it properly. Even now it’s not like Roxanne is the greatest authority on child nutrition. You feed him, and his body doesn’t seem to know what to do with the fuel. Right now he’s spending all his energy on trembling all over, his breathing has slowed down, and his eyes are shut, but he’s still shaking.

 

Dave dips into sleep but every time he hits REM another nightmare wakes him right up, and the whole exhausting process begins again. Dave’s trauma didn’t heal, it just sunk below the surface and it’s so much bigger than you know how to deal with, like the world’s worst iceberg.

 

You roll onto your side and look at Dave, he’s dozing now, but his eyes are bruised purple underneath. He’s exhausted.

 

TT: Hal, we need help.   
AT: There’s nothing a therapist can learn that I can’t download, Dirk. We’ve worked this out fine so far ourselves.   
TT: Does this look fine?   
AT: It’s a blip.   
TT: Maybe I want a doctor to tell me that.   
AT: Just give him the day off, let him get back on his feet.   
TT: Fine, but I’m deciding by midday.   
AT: Fine.

 

You turn off Dave’s alarm clock, and Hal promises to make the call to the school for you, you don’t want to get up and disturb what little sleep Dave is getting. Dave’s forehead crinkles, and you can hear a quiet distressed noise coming from in his chest. You reach out and pet his side like he’s a skittish little horse and not your little brother.

 

You didn’t kill your brother to have Dave get worse. This is your fault, you took Dave on by yourself, and he’s not getting better. When Bro was still around you could blame Dave’s problems on him, but he’s gone now, and you’re the one fucking him up, this is your fault. Roxanne was right, you need help.

 

Dave jerks awake wild-eyed and takes a few long moments to realise where he is and what’s happening.

 

“Hey.” You whisper.

 

“What time is it?” Dave groans and rubs at his eyes.

 

“Just after 7. You’re not going to school today.” You tell him.

 

“Oh good, I feel like a garbage fire that someone puked on.” Dave grumbles and shuts his eyes.

 

“How would you feel about seeing a doctor?” You ask him quietly as your mind chants at you how this is your fault somehow. If you were a better parent to him, if you had protected him more, got out sooner, hid him at his mom’s sooner or killed Bro sooner; if you had done something different Dave would be okay.

 

“A shrink you mean?” Dave asks with disgust on his face.

 

“Yeah.” You confirm.

 

Dave rolls over and buries his face in the bed and groans miserably, you sympathetically rub his back, and after a little while, he turns to look at you.

 

“If I have to go then you have to go too.” Dave says firmly.

 

“What?” You ask in surprise.

 

“I’ve not been through anything that you haven’t been through, you had it worse if anything. If I’m crazy, then you’re crazy, so if you want me to go then I’m not doing it alone.” Dave says stubbornly.

 

AT: Nicely played Dave.   
TT: Why are you pleased about this?   
AT: Dirk, you made me because you don’t trust your own mind. You spend large parts of the day effectively talking to yourself.   
AT: You’re not a normal person.   
AT: Do you want my bet on what they’re going to diagnose you with?   
AT: Spoilers, it’s not just what Dave has.   
TT: Fuck off.

 

“If it’ll make you feel better about going then I can go too if you want. I wasn’t going to make you go alone.” You say calmly.

 

“I don’t just mean go with me to the place, I mean if they’re gonna rummage around in my brain and do Rose’s psychotherapy bullshit then you get that done too.” Dave says stubbornly.

 

“I…” You hesitate. You do not want any therapist poking around in your head, you don’t want to know what’s in there and you know it can’t be anything good. But looking after Dave is your number one reason for existence, if you need to do this to look after him, then you have to do it.

 

“Okay, we’ll do it.” You tell him, and Dave pulls the blanket over his head and yawns.

 

TT: Find someone for me, Hal.   
TT: I don’t care how much of Roxanne’s bank account you have to offer, today is what we need. Dave will back out otherwise.   
AT: Hah, Dave played you. But fine, I’m on it. I was somewhat against this but seeing you get poked and prodded at is definitely worth my time.   
AT: I’ve found the best therapist in our area, she’s about to have a scheduling glitch in her system that will give her just enough space to see you two for an ‘emergency’ appointment.   
TT: Thanks.   
TT: I think.

 

You let Dave sleep for a while longer. Seeing as you now have to go to a therapist you’ve got to work out a plan, work out what’s going to happen, what might happen and what you can do about it. The obvious option is to lie and pretend to be the perfect picture of mental health, but if Dave is there then that won’t work, and he won’t participate if he thinks you're not genuine. So, that option is out. You could pretend to have something mildly wrong with you, anxiety would make sense, and you have anxiety sometimes, everyone does. Hal can…

 

Yeah, no, Hal isn’t going to help you lie to a doctor.

 

Okay, so… honesty it is. What might you have? You’re pretty sure that Dave is textbook Post Traumatic Stress Disorder now and it’d make sense for you to have some of that, but you know that you don’t react to shit the way that he does. Oh also, you murdered a man. You are perhaps not totally sane.

 

Shit, can this doctor take Dave away from you? Fuck, she probably can. You have to walk the balance of not seeming too fucked up then. You can do that. Probably. If it’s for Dave.

 

You lie in bed with Dave as he dips in and out of nightmares again, your mind churning over a million possible outcomes. This ends up swinging you from fear, to anger at what this shrink might do, to self-loathing for letting Dave get this bad, and guilt for not protecting him well enough in the first place. It’s a terrible merry go round.

 

Later Hal alerts you that it’s time to get ready to go and you both get dressed into a somewhat presentable state, and you drive to this doctor’s office. Hal catches you up on what ‘you’ said to her to get this appointment. Dave is picking at the latest nail varnish that Rose put on him, and you wonder if she does it to give him something to fuss with, or maybe she just enjoys it. Who knows.

 

The doctor insists that you both call her April rather than Doctor Lews. She’s a pleasant looking lady a little older than Roxanne perhaps with neat little black dreadlocks tied back behind her head and a few red tinted ones hanging down by her face. She has probably calculated how friendly and approachable she looks and you are not falling for it.

 

You both sit down in her office, and you explain a little about who you both are, your actual biological relationship to each other and the one that you two have agreed on actually being the case. You explain that you’re here for Dave.

 

“Uh-uh.” Dave says stubbornly, shaking his head.

 

“I only agreed to this if he’d do it too, and first as well. I’m not gushing to some stranger about my _feelings_ unless you have to as well.” Dave says sulkily, and you remind yourself that he is very tired and you shouldn’t hold this against him.

 

“Well,” April says as she looks at you, “I’d be happy to talk to you first if that would make Dave feel more relaxed. I’m sure it would give me some helpful information for Dave too, we wouldn’t have to go over some things twice. Are you okay with that, Dirk?” She asks you in her sweet and soft voice.

 

“Sure.” You answer uneasily.

 

“Or we could go.” Dave points out, and you shake your head at him, damn the kid looks genuinely disappointed. You guess he thought you were going to back down.

 

“Okay, Dirk. Can I ask what’s with the sunglasses? We are indoors.” She asks.

 

“Oh. We both have very sensitive eyes, it’s a medical thing. My Bro had it too, and Dave’s sisters have it, but nowhere near as bad, they don’t need them. It’s too bright without them.” You explain. Normally you’d not answer this, but you figure that if you seem honest at the start, you can get away with omitting later.

 

“I see. Would it help if I lowered the blinds?” She asks.

 

“Sometimes.” Dave says for you.

 

AT: Damnit, Dave.   
TT: Great.

 

The doctor is getting up and lowering her blinds and dimming the lights.

 

TT: Buzz me if you need me to see you again, anything important.

 

With that you take your glasses off and settle them carefully in your hair, Dave hangs his from his shirt.

 

“Ooh, you both look very tired.” She says sympathetically and sits back down again.

 

“It was a long night.” You agree.

 

“Okay, we’ll get to that. But let’s start at the beginning. You’re eighteen now, correct?” She asks, and you nod.

 

“And you’re five years older than Dave who is thirteen now, yes?” She asks.

 

“Yes.” You agree.

 

“So, you mentioned in your email that your home life before your brother died was very abusive,” She says and you see Dave tense, more to the point you see that she sees it too.

 

“How did that work? Can you paint me a picture of how that looked like for you specifically?” She asks.

 

This you have an answer for, you were already interrogated by police, by Roxanne and by Signless. You know what to say, this is practised.

 

“Bro was obsessive about violence. Video games, movies, anything. He was fascinated by swords and fighting,  I was already being pushed into it before Dave was born and as soon as he was old enough to stand and hold a weapon he was too. I don’t mean this like a parent who is pushing their kid into a sport, I mean that we’re covered in scars from this. We had to sword fight a grown man almost daily. He very rarely held back to any reasonable degree. He’d throw us down the stairs if we didn’t do well, sprain, bruise and break us. We’d never know when it was going to happen. He was a pretty shitty parent and brother anyway, he’d routinely fail to give us food so we’d either go hungry or I’d have to steal. Eventually, I managed to get a stable source of income so that wasn’t as big of a deal but, yeah.” You say with a shrug at the end.

 

“That sounds terrible, I’m so sorry that you both had to go through that.” The doctor says sadly and you and Dave both shrug. It is what it is.

 

“So, if you don’t mind my asking, what source of income was that?” She asks, and you wince.

 

“You can’t report things to the police unless it’s an immediate harm to myself or someone else, right?” You check, and she nods.

 

“Fine then. I was mostly hacking other people’s bank accounts. Computers are something I’m good at. I eventually made a computer program that… did that for me.” You say, fudging that last bit. You’ve no doubt that Hal thinks something of that comment.

 

“It was only people who didn’t need the money, Dirk didn’t want to make someone else’s life suck as much as ours.” Dave says in your defence, and this at least is true. The doctor makes a note on her paper.

 

“I see. And how did that whole experience with your brother feel at the time? It would be traumatising for anyone and from what I gather you essentially became a parent at five years old which is significantly earlier than most people.” She says.

 

“You’re asking me to tell you every emotion I had for the first eighteen years of my life?” You ask in disbelief.

 

“Well, I think that’d take a little longer than we have time for. I’m trying to see if how you saw things then is different to how you see things now, does that make sense?” She clarifies.

 

“Oh. Well, it’s not really any different. I would be angry when Bro hurt Dave and when I think about it now it still makes me angry. I’m not scared of him anymore because he’s not here now but, I remember being sometimes scared.” You answer her with a shrug.

 

“Did you have any friends when you still lived with your brother?” She asks.

 

“No.” You say simply.

 

“None?” She asks.

 

“I had other things to do.” You tell her. She writes something down.

 

“What about Jake, Jane and Roxy?” Dave asks with a frown as he looks up at you.

 

“Ok, yeah, but they’re not in person. Jane’s several states away, and there’s an ocean between Jake and us. We only started living with Roxy recently, I think she meant in person back then.” You explain.

 

“No, online counts too. When did you meet these three?” The doctor asks you.

 

“When I was fifteen Bro found out that I’m… not straight. He was a fucking homophobe and nearly killed me. By that time I’d found Dave’s Mom but I never wanted to get her involved, I figured that she just abandoned us so I wasn’t keen to see her. Plus I was worried she’d take Dave from and I wouldn’t get him back, she was an alcoholic last time I saw her and I didn’t want to shift Dave from one shitty family to another. Plus if it became a custody thing social services would get involved, and Dave would end up in foster care, and I’d lose him forever. We were better off alone. But… I was hurt badly enough that I needed a good deal of hospital care so I got her to pay for it and we hid out at hers for a while. Dave’s older sister Roxy was living with her as well as his twin, Rose.” You explain.

 

“Roxy and Dirk are a year apart, they get on really well.” Dave explains.

 

“Yeah. Roxy’s the only friend I have that knows all about what’s happened. She also introduced me to Jane who was one of her friends and probably Roxy’s soulmate, she lives very far away, so it’s not like we’ve ever met her. She also introduced me to one of her other friends Jake who is probably my soulmate, but he’s on an island in the middle of the Pacific, and it’s not like I have a lot of opportunities to test that theory. So I always talk to those three, they’re my friends.” You explain.

 

“Do you find it hard making friends in school or college?” She asks, and you shrug.

 

“Okay, how about other relationships? You mentioned this boy… Jake who you think might be your soulmate. Are you in a romantic relationship with him now?” The doctor asks, tucking one of her dreads behind one ear.

 

“No. I guess he doesn’t want to get my hopes up and have me think that he’s the one if there’s no way to prove it. So we’re friends right now.” You explain. Sure it makes your heart sting to think about it, but Jake is still a really good friend, it’s not like there’s this huge ‘JUST’ prefix before your declaration that you’re friends. You enjoy what you have plenty.

 

“So have you had other romantic relationships then?” She asks as she takes notes about Jake.

 

“No.” You answer simply.

 

She glances at Dave for a second and then at you.

 

“I appreciate that you may not want to go into too much detail with Dave here and if you prefer we can ask him to leave the room. But… have you had sexual relationships before?” She asks you, and you wince, you can probably keep this age appropriate.

 

“Relationships would be stretching the term.” You say diplomatically.

 

“So more like… one off encounters, then?” She asks, carefully phrasing that.

 

“Yeah.” You agree.

 

“With people you know? I know that you said that you don’t have friends in person but are we talking acquaintances here?” She presses.

 

“No. Strangers. Is that relevant?” You ask suspiciously.

 

“It is. Are you drunk when this happens?” She asks immediately.

 

“I don’t drink. But it’s at clubs and bars I guess, but not with anyone drunk. That’d be really wrong.” You say hastily, you’re not some predator.

 

“Well, that’s good of you at least. Are you using protection?” She questions and you wince.

 

“Statistically,” You begin as you slide down in your chair a little, “more often than I don’t. Is _that_ relevant too?”

 

“This is getting gross. I really don’t wanna know this.” Dave says, sticking his tongue out and you can feel your face burning. Why did you agree to this again?

 

“Okay, the last question on this topic, I promise. Sorry, Dave. What makes you seek out these encounters? Loneliness, boredom, or just teenage hormones?” She asks, and Dave quietly goes ‘blaaaaaugh’ next to you.

 

You squeeze your eyes shut and try to think of the last time. You’d just moved here, and you couldn’t stop thinking about what you’d done to Bro and whether moving back to the same city was smart or not and everything was just too much, and you needed to just _not think_ for a while. So you’d gone out in the night, gone to some stupid club, got some guy and had him fuck you hard enough that you couldn’t think of anything else at all. That’s probably not a smart thing to do.

 

“Stress.” You say quietly.

 

You think really hard about Hal. Even without being sat before your eyes he can still get your messages if he has contact with your head. ‘Can you buzz me once if you think this is circling to some kind of diagnosis here?’ Your shades buzz once softly on top of your head, unnoticeable to anyone else. ‘The one that you were thinking of?’ Buzz.

 

Well, fuck.

 

“Okay, I think I’m getting a better picture here. Dirk, what kind of person would you say you are? Describe yourself for me.” The doctor says, starting a new topic.

 

You freeze. This feels like a trap. What is she looking for? What can you avoid showing her? What does she want to see? There are so many shards of yourself that you don’t know what one to hold up to the light for her. Who are you anyway?

 

“Tough question? Perhaps this is better. Describe Dave for me. We’ve not spoken yet, so perhaps you could tell me what he’s like.” She says with a smile, and Dave sits up a little straighter at her words.

 

Dave? Oh. This is easy.

 

“Dave’s a good kid. He’s smart, smarter still when he puts in the work. He’s good at math and music, but he seems to like science too which isn’t a surprise with our family. He’s funny. He’s great at art, and he works really hard at it. He makes music, and it’s good stuff too. He’s sweet to his sisters and he gets on really well with them for the most part and even when they bicker because, you know all kids do, he makes up with them fast. He loves his friends and sure, he’s got scars from Bro, and that’s why we’re here but… he’s a great kid.” You say easily, and she smiles.

 

“That’s the kind of thing I was looking for. Just a brief little thing about personality, interests, behaviour and such. Nothing complex and soul searching. So, try again to tell me who you are.” She says calmly, but you feel the unease wash over you again. You need to say something.

 

“I’m… smart?” You try hesitantly. Does that sound bad?

 

“About specific things, I mean. I’m into robotics that’s- that’s what I’m at college for. Uh…” You trail off. Shit, what else can you tell her? Oh, I also killed my brother! No! You like horses? No, that’s weird. Fuck. Oh shit, now even Dave is looking at you strangely.

 

“Okay, we’ll move on from that. Have you ever harmed yourself?” Doctor April asks. Okay, questions you know the answer to again.

 

“No. I’ve had enough of Bro doing that, I don’t like getting hurt.” You answer easily.

 

“Do you ever feel numb? Emotionally I mean. As in, you’re not feeling anything at all, and it’s just blank and almost robotic.” She asks.

 

“Well, sure? No one’s gleefully happy all of the time.” You point out.

 

“I don’t just mean not experiencing a strong emotion. There’s a difference between just feeling neutral and feeling absolutely nothing.” She corrects herself.

 

“There is?” You say before you can stop yourself and her eyebrows raise. Goddamnit.

 

“Yes… okay, how about this. When you do feel something, be it positive or negative, do these feelings come on suddenly? Like, one minute nothing and the next anger, sadness, love, joy. As if someone just turned the tap on in your mind and it’s very intense.” She says.

 

“Okay, I don’t know what you’re getting at because you’re literally just describing how emotions work.” You point out, and your glasses buzz twice. Wait, was that meant to be a no? You look at Dave and see him looking at you in puzzlement.

 

Oh. Great, you’re fucked up in ways that you didn’t know about. Now later you’re going to have to google how normal people have feelings. Fucking hell.

 

“Right. Do you have anger problems?” She asks.

 

“No.” You and Dave answer at once and Dave looks ready to fight her for even _asking_. You try really hard to not have anger problems.

 

“I refuse to turn into Bro.” You say firmly.

 

“Well, that’s good to hear.” She says. She looks thoughtfully at Dave and then back at you.

 

“I understand that you and Dave and very close, which given your circumstances makes sense. Dirk, if Dave had to go away for a small amount of time, say a school trip for… four days let’s say. How would you cope with that?” She asks, and you frown.

 

“It’d be fine.” You say easily. Hal would keep you in contact with him, and he could message you, it’d be no problem.

 

“And if there was no contact at all? No phone calls or messages. He would be essentially totally absent from the moment he left until when he got back.” She says. Your hands tighten immediately on the seat that you’re sitting in. No Hal with him? No messages? But- he could get hurt- he could-

 

“The expression on your face pretty much answers that question. What if… what if Jake didn’t contact you for a week at all?” She asks, and your throat goes dry.

 

“I’d wonder what I did wrong, or- or what had happened to him. It’s just him and his sister on that island, so I think that’s a perfectly rational thing to worry about.” You say quickly.

 

“Okay, my last question might seem a little strange, so bear with me.” The doctor says with a sigh and leans back in her chair.

 

“Do you ever… look in a mirror and feel like the person looking back at you isn’t you? Or feel briefly that your body is not your own? Perhaps you lose patches of time feeling not yourself, you’re doing something and several hours pass, and you can’t quite explain how. Perhaps when if you feel like this you get the feeling that people are talking to you from very far away and almost aren’t real. Does any of this sound familiar?” She asks.

 

“Doesn’t everyone get that, though?” Dave asks before you can say anything. Which is good because you feel pinned in place.

 

“How do you mean, Dave?” The doctor asks, looking at him.

 

“Like… when I’m making music or drawing or playing a really good game time just gets away from you, and you don’t know how you spent that long doing something.” Dave says.

 

“Yes, that’s called flow. A lot of people have that, creative people especially. It’s a normal thing, but it becomes abnormal when that feeling stretches into places it shouldn’t. It’s understandable to lose hours in art but less so to spend three hours in the shower without meaning to.” She explains, and you flinch. That’s definitely a thing that you do on a regular basis. God, you wish Dave had a better poker face and wasn’t looking right at you.

 

“Okay, sometimes that happens.” You admit unhappily.

 

The doctor leans back in her chair and looks at you for a few moments before speaking.

 

“There is lots of data showing that children from abusive homes often end up with mental health problems, given how severe the situation both of you two were in I’m surprised that you two are coping so well and for so long. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is common, and you may have some of that too, but anxiety problems are common as well as substance abuse. But… you also find that personality disorders are a result for some people from homes like these, which is where I think that you rest on this range of conditions.” She says slowly.

 

“A… personality disorder? Like being a psychopath?” You say in horror.

 

“Well, for a start that’s not an actual diagnosis of anything. That’s Hollywood at work for you. No, specifically I think that you may have Borderline Personality Disorder. People with this often disassociate, which is that loss of time that we discussed. They lack a proper sense of self or often have many selves that they present to different people and sometimes feel that there’s no ‘real’ person underneath these. They may engage in risky behaviour, such as sex with strangers, often unprotected. They may find it hard to form personal relationships and find those that they do form to be very intense and abandonment either real or imaginary is a very big fear. Emotions can be very intense, and depression and self-blame is quite classic in this regard. Would you say that this sounds accurate to you?” She asks gently.

 

“I…” You hesitate, you think you may have forgotten how to breathe. You had figured that this was just who you were or how everyone was, but this is something wrong with you? Fuck, and there are plenty of awful things that you haven’t told her about already.

 

“What about Dave?” You ask, and you feel your muscles tensing, ready to grab Dave and flashstep out of there and drive as far and fast as you have to to get away.

 

“What about him? I can still go over the problem that you brought him here for today, we’re not out of time if that’s what you mean.” Doctor April says, seeming confused.

 

“Oh, joy.” Dave mutters.

 

“No, I mean are you going to tell someone? Social services or…” You trail off, staring at her.

 

She blinks at you in confusion for a moment or two before sitting bolt upright.

 

“Oh, goodness me, no! I don’t believe that you’re in any danger to Dave at all from what you’ve told me or how he interacts with you and speaks of you. Frankly, I believe that you’d be far more likely to damage yourself than Dave. And honestly, the idea that people with any kind of mental illness or neurodivergence aren’t fit parents just by definition should be erased from our common consciousness. Dirk, all I would recommend is that you consider therapy and possibly medication in future. No one’s going to take Dave away from you.” She says quickly.

 

You find yourself nodding absently. You’re not really sure what to feel or indeed if you feel anything. Apparently, that is a symptom, and you are… sick. You’re going to need to research the shit out of this when you get home.

 

“So, what now?” Dave asks as you’re not saying anything.

 

“Well, now we can talk about you. What Dirk decides to do about his own care from here is his choice.” She says warmly.

 

“Oh. Great. Are you sure that you don’t want to keep talking to Dirk for like… another fifty-five minutes?” Dave angles hopefully.

 

“Hey, a deal’s a deal.” You point out, and Dave sighs and sits back in his chair.

 

“Fine. Headshrink me.” Dave grumbles and the doctor smothers a laugh.

 

“Let’s just talk instead, hm? Dirk mentioned that you had a lot of nightmares last night and though I want to ask what it was about how about we get some numbers and background first, hm?” She suggests, and Dave shrugs.

 

“How often do you have nightmares, roughly speaking?” She asks, turning to a new sheet on her pad of paper.

 

“Uh,” says Dave with a frown, “define nightmares. Because last night was really unusual, I don’t get the wake up screaming kind so much anymore.”

 

“Ah. Any kind of nightmare, it doesn’t have to be thrashing about drenched in sweat. Just waking up from a dream that made you feel bad because it was frightening or sad.” She explains. You watch her, she seems a lot more approachable when she’s not asking you questions, but you can see how closely she’s watching Dave.

 

“Oh, ok. Like… four nights a week maybe.” Dave says casually, and your head snaps around in shock.

 

“Wait, what?!” You say in alarm.

 

“What? It’s always been like that. It’s not like it’s the screaming ones four times a week.” Dave says with a shrug. You had no idea it was that bad.

 

“Did you have friends in school before Bro died?” She asks, and Dave shakes his head.

 

“After we met Rose she introduced me to her friends and the four of us talk all the time. Now that I’m in a new school here I’ve been making more friends.” Dave says a little awkwardly.

 

“Why didn’t you make friends before?” She asks.

 

“Because I didn’t want them to find out what was happening, I didn’t want to get split up from Dirk so no one could know and friends would have been dangerous. Plus it’s not like they would have understood anyway and I couldn’t have taken them home. Online friends were easier that way, and now that Bro’s gone I’ve hung out with friends outside of school.” Dave answers, his voice becoming more comfortable the closer in time he talks about.

 

“So it was situational then?” She asks and Dave nods, she makes a note. That’s different from your total indifference to most human beings.

 

“Right, do you ever have trouble getting to sleep?” She asks.

 

“Sometimes, I usually go to sleep late anyway. I think I’m just like that.” Dave tells her easily, and you worry that she’s going to think poorly of you for not enforcing some kind of bedtime on Dave. Should you have done that?

 

“A lot of teenagers find that they become night owls, that’s pretty normal.” The doctor says reassuringly to Dave.

 

“Let’s see now, big question. How did you feel when you lived with Bro in comparison to how you feel at home now?” She asks, and Dave squirms uncomfortably.

 

“When Bro was alive he’d hide in places. Behind doors and in the crawlspace. He’d leap out at us to scare us or attack us, and he’d move things when we weren’t looking. He had… cameras everywhere which did something with his websites I’m not really sure…” Dave trails off and looks at you. The doctor looks at you. You hate talking about this part.

 

“Bro had webcams in the house linked up to sites with people who liked to stare at kids for their own sick reasons. I tried to take the cameras down, and Bro attacked me. So I filled his entire site with malware that forwarded the user’s browser history and image library to the police, after that I kept DDOSing his server until he abandoned it. He’d still keep the cameras up so that he could see us and use it to get the jump on us but they didn’t broadcast beyond him after that.” You say flatly, and her eyes go wide.

 

“Yeah, what he said. So I guess I’d always be paranoid about him watching me but it’s not paranoia if you’re right is it? I don’t get that now so much, but sometimes I still feel like he’s watching me. But not so much.” Dave says, continuing right on. The doctor is now making lots of notes on Dave’s paper and yours.

 

“Yes, sorry, please continue.” She says.

 

“I don’t have to make sure I’m always ready for a fight anymore. We used to have to hoard food when I was really small but as soon as Dirk got money we could buy it when we needed it and sure we’d hide it from Bro but we didn’t have to ration it. I guess it’s nice being able to keep food in a fridge that doesn’t have swords in it.” Dave says calmly.

 

“So you don’t feel the need to hide or ration food now?” She checks, and Dave shakes his head. You’d been really pleased when you broke him of that habit because even you knew that couldn’t be good for Dave’s mind.

 

“We’ll do some quick questions now. You can just answer yes or no but if you’d like me to clarify something I can and ‘I don’t know’ is also a perfectly valid answer. Are you okay with that?” She asks, her pencil poised.

 

“Sure.” Dave says.

 

“Have you ever self-harmed?” She asks, and Dave hesitates.

 

“Can you be more specific?” He asks after a second or two, and your blood goes cold. Surely you’d notice if Dave had been hurting himself, wouldn’t you?

 

“Sure, I’ll split this question up. Have you ever deliberately caused yourself injury by say, cutting, burning or hitting yourself?” She asks.

 

“Nah.” Dave replies instantly, and you let out the breath that you didn’t realise you’d been holding in.

 

“Have you ever allowed yourself to come to harm deliberately?” She asks.

 

“Yeah.” Dave nods. Oh no, what?

 

“Can you give me more detail and explain what you were thinking at the time?” The doctor asks, and you both look at Dave.

 

“Like… I don’t know. Bro would be mad at Dirk, and I’d get in the fight instead because Dirk already took more than his fair share of what Bro dished out and it was probably my fault that Bro was mad anyway. Or training too hard because if I didn’t keep up things would be worse. Or… sometimes I’d sneak some of my food onto Dirk’s plate when he wasn’t looking because he was hurt more so he needed it more.” Dave admits, and your eyes go wide.

 

“Dave, no, you didn’t need to-” You protest, but the doctor holds up her hand.

 

“Dirk, I still have more questions. Dave, have you ever had suicidal thoughts before?” She asks.

 

“Uh.” Dave says, and you see him glance at you quickly. No, no, no this can’t be happening.

 

“I mean, no. I’m not sitting in my room listening to emo music hoping that I’ll get run over in the parking lot at school or anything.” Dave says with a laugh that sounds forced to you.

 

“It’s not always like that Dave, sometimes it’s more passive. Wishing that you could just go to bed and not wake up or feeling like people would be better off without you around.” She explains, and you watch, you watch as Dave’s expression falls. You think that your heart is breaking inside your chest.

 

“Oh. Well, it’s not always the first one but… sometimes maybe.” Dave mumbles and doesn’t look at you.

 

“But- but the second is actually true though. Dirk would be better off if I wasn’t around.” Dave insists to the doctor.

 

“No, I WOULDN’T be!” You exclaim in horror, your voice cracking with stress.

 

“No, no, not like… not now.” Dave says hurriedly, looking at you.

 

“But… if I wasn’t ever born, then you wouldn’t have had to look after me. You could have got away from Bro years earlier. And if mom never got pregnant with me and I guess Rose too then maybe she and Bro wouldn’t have split up and Bro might have gone back to how he used to be and you could have had a real family.” Dave argues.

 

You stare at him in total numb horror. Does he actually think this? Has he always thought this? Did you not tell him enough how much you love him or does he feel bad that he made you love him? Does he think so little of himself? He’s wrong, you know he is. You’ve looked and seen what you could have been. Bro is who you could have been. Without Dave there to be your reason for being a good person then you could have been so much worse, and it seems that even now you’re screwed up.

 

You have to talk him out of this, you have to fight his stupid reasons. What if someday this becomes less passive and he walks right off of a building or drinks himself into a coma like his mother tried to so often?

 

“I would not be better off without you. I could have turned into Bro if you weren’t around. Without you, Roxanne would still be drunk all the time, and Roxy probably would have gone that way too, who even knows about Rose. I have never wished that you weren’t here.” You say as calmly as you can manage.

 

“Ok.” Dave says and looks away. You know that tone, it’s the same one you get when you tell him to take his dishes to the dishwasher for the third time, and he keeps putting it off. It’s him saying ok so you drop the issue.

 

“Alright, we’ll move past that for now.” The doctor says slowly.

 

“Have you ever drunk alcohol or taken drugs?” She asks.

 

“What? No. We can’t even have alcohol in the house. Mom has a problem and Roxy kind of did too, so we just don’t keep it. Besides, I’m thirteen where am I gonna get either of those things?” Dave snorts.

 

“You’d be surprised.” The doctor sighs but makes a note anyway.

 

“Do you ever have flashbacks to things that happened with Bro? Times when you had to fight him or things like that? That’s where you for a second or so re-experience what happened.” She asks.

 

“Yeah, pretty often.” Dave nods, chalk that down to something you didn’t know before either. You should never have waited this long to get him here.

 

“Do you ever sit around wondering if you could have done something differently back then? Chosen to do something that would have made things better?” She asks.

 

“Sometimes but… I guess usually only after a nightmare.” Dave says slowly.

 

“There’s another symptom that I’m wondering if you have, Dave. Hyperawareness. So, this would be like if you hear a noise like a bang or anything sudden and it makes you jump, or if you automatically work out how to get out of rooms that you go into, or flinch when people talk too loudly. Is that something that you do?” She asks.

 

“Yes.” You and Dave say at once.

 

“Hm, alright, this next question is a little more tricky. We talked about flashbacks before, and you said you got them but what I’m about to describe is outside of these, this isn’t you remembering something that happened this is different. Do you ever see Bro?” She asks.

 

“He’s dead.” You point out, and the doctor shakes her head at you.

 

“Sometimes I think I do, but I’ll look around, and it’ll just be some other guy or something else that I thought was him.” Dave says after a moment. That seems normal, Dave’s brain is probably wired to react to Bro and is just over identifying. It’s like a programming variable that hasn’t been narrowed enough.

 

“Do you ever hear him?” She asks again.

 

Dave is silent and stares at the ground with his eyebrows furrowed.

 

“Dave?” The doctor prompts.

 

“Sorry, I’m not… sure. I don’t know if it’s just me imagining what he’d say or if I can’t stop it. Not that I choose to do it but- I know it’s not him. He’s dead but. Maybe? Kind of? Is that crazy?” Dave asks worriedly.

 

“I don’t like that word.” The doctor smiles, “It’s a perfectly understandable symptom. That’s why I’m asking about it.”

 

“What kinds of things do you hear him say?” She asks and Dave starts to pick at his nail varnish again.

 

“Sometimes it’s just him laughing or if I’m doing something he’d hate it’s like I can hear what he’d say.” Dave mumbles. Well, shit, you killed Bro but there’s no way you can fight the ghost of him that lives in Dave’s brain. Fuck.

 

The doctor is nodding and making notes.

 

“Can you tell me about that nightmare that you had Dave?” The doctor asks, and Dave’s spine goes ruler straight.

 

“Could I… not?” He asks weakly.

 

“You’ve spoken about a lot of heavy subjects already Dave, what makes this dream so different? Not that I’d force you to share anything that you don’t want to, but it seems unusual.” She comments, and Dave looks at you helplessly.

 

“Can we just go?” He pleads.

 

“I thought you needed to be here before I heard what you said, I’m pretty sure that you and also apparently I need this kind of help. How bad can it be?” You ask Dave who glares at the floor. His leg starts jigging restlessly.

 

“Fine, cliffnotes version. I was in my room with Karkat and-” Dave starts, but the therapist interrupts.

 

“Who is Karkat, sorry?” She asks.

 

That is a big question. Dave’s fingers tighten in his seat, and he chews his lip for a second or two before speaking again.

 

“A guy at my school. We’re friends and like… his brother is one of Roxy’s soulmates, and his moirail is Rose’s soulmate. Plus, his dad was the social worker who showed up the day after Bro died and did his thing. Karkat was actually there then, that’s how we met.” Dave says.

 

“He’s a troll then, I take it?” Doctor April asks, and you nod.

 

“And…” You prompt Dave who sighs sulkily.

 

“He- he thinks that he’s my soulmate.” Dave says miserably.

 

“Is this not a view that you share?” The doctor asks curiously, and Dave’s head whips up, and he glares at her.

 

“Why does fucking _everyone_ think I’m gay?! Like, what the hell? Not that I give half a shit about who anyone else bones and god knows my whole family is almost the entire rainbow but I’m not. Karkat’s a guy, I’m a guy, end of!” Dave shouts, and April stares at him in shock. Dave scowls and slides down in his chair.

 

“You… said that your brother was homophobic?” The doctor asks quietly, looking at you.

 

“Incredibly so.” You agree, and you watch her putting two and two together to come up with the four that you’ve had in your head ever since Dave was ten. Internalised homophobia is a hell of a thing and something that you somehow dodged. Or maybe not homophobia, but phobia for whatever Dave’s sexuality can be most accurately described as.

 

“So this Karkat boy believes that he is your soulmate? How is that working out?” She asks.

 

“We agreed not to talk about it or test it.” Dave says sullenly.

 

“And you’re good friends?” She continues, and Dave nods.

 

“Please continue with your nightmare, you were saying that he was in your room.” She prompts, and Dave sighs again, looks pleadingly at you to no avail and then continues again.

 

“I wanted him to listen to some music of mine, I don’t remember what. He liked it. We were just chilling, and it was nice.” Dave shrugs.

 

“I… look, sometimes things in dreams don’t mean anything, right?” Dave asks, looking at her.

 

“I think that dream interpretation isn’t a science, but you can draw things out of vague themes. So if you were being chased by something it could be because you feel pursued or prosecuted in real life but anything more finely detailed than that not so much. Even that is a bit of a stretch. I’m interested in the content of this, by your own admission, exceptionally bad nightmare because I’m trying to gauge how bad your sleep problems are. I’m not judging you at all for the subject of your dream or what you did in it.” She reassures him, and Dave looks down at the floor again.

 

“I… I touched his hand, and our marks did- did the thing.” Dave mumbles. Your eyes widen, she can not read into that but you sure as hell are going to. You know how big an admission that is from Dave.

 

“It was- I was happy. And we- oh God.” Dave whines and covers his face with his hands.

 

Dave pulls his feet up onto the chair with him, he’s basically in a ball.

 

“We. We kissed and I- fuck just kill me, I liked it. And then he just-” Dave says, his voice warping with distress as he talks.

 

“He made this noise like he was in pain and I looked down, and there was a sword sticking out of his chest, and then there was just blood _everywhere._ I- I freaked out and shoved him off of me and Bro was there and he’d- he’d _seen._ I tried to get my sword to fight him but it wouldn’t come, and I tried to run but I slipped on Karkat’s blood, and Bro caught me and grabbed my arm and then just started hacking it off and it hurt real fucking bad and-” Dave gasps for breath as his run on sentence finally exhausts his supply of air. He drags in another breath, and you immediately recognise that he’s hyperventilating again.

 

“Oh, no, no, no. Dave, shh, hey look at me. It’s ok.” You say to him reassuringly, kneeling on the floor before him. Dave makes a terrified sound and grabs for you. You’ve never totally understood that, you think that if you ever had one of these attacks, then someone touching you and closing you in would be the last thing that you’d want but it works for Dave, so that’s fine. Dave’s head whips this way and that as he tries to breathe normally again and you know that he’s looking for Bro.

 

“Come on, breathe.” You say softly and rub his back. You can feel his breathing getting closer to normal, you averted this one before it got really bad.

 

“Dirk, did Dave sleep after this?” The doctor asks you, her voice soft and unthreatening.

 

“Yeah but every time he’d hit the part where he’d start dreaming he’d jerk awake and this would happen. He can’t keep going like that.” You say worriedly.

 

“I’ll just never sleep again. It’s fine.” Dave says with an edge of hysteria in his voice.

 

“Not fine.” You say firmly.

 

Dave squirms away from you, and you let him go, pulling your own chair a little closer and sitting in it again. He’s still trembling, but he’s getting back to normal. The doctor is looking at Dave and you sadly, her chin in her hand.

 

“I’m sorry that upset you so much Dave, do you feel better now?” She asks quietly.

 

“‘M fine.” Dave mumbles.

 

“We talked about Dirk possibly having a touch of PTSD earlier and about that being a normal thing for kids in your situation to get. Do you know what PTSD is, Dave?” She asks.

 

“Like… soldiers ‘n shit.” Dave manages to say.

 

“Soldiers do get it, yes, but it is also very common for victims of domestic abuse and child abuse. The nightmares, the hyperawareness, your fears, the panic attacks and everything else is pretty textbook Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It’s manageable with therapy and medication. I certainly think that fixing your sleep will be of the most benefit to you. Plus antidepressants can help you sort out your feelings and suppress your anxiety. Would you be willing to do those things to help with this?” She asks.

 

Dave looks uneasy. He needs this, he really REALLY needs this. She’s asking him if he wants the help and that’s a huge thing, but you know that he does need it regardless of if he wants it. He’s a minor, and he’s your kid, it doesn’t legally matter if he wants to be here, you could make him. You could. You shouldn’t though, you know that Dave can be stubborn and forcing him to come here and get ‘help’ may make him even worse and break his trust with you. You don’t know if either of you can handle that.

 

“If you do it I’ll do it.” You offer, and you see Dave wince.

 

“But there’s nothing wrong with you. You don’t need help with anything, unlike me apparently and there’s nothing wrong with your personality.” Dave protests.

 

The doctor is watching your exchange with interest. You choose your next words very carefully.

 

“I don’t know who I am without you Dave, and I’m clearly not helping as much as I thought and last night is not something I know how to fix for you. You might not think that you need this help, but I need this help to look after you. And if I have to get it too so that I can be better for you and make you feel like this is isn’t some kind of trap then I’ll do that too. Just… work with me here.” You plead.

 

Dave looks down at the floor with a scowl, and you can see the slightest of pouts on his lips, he’s not happy.

 

“See what I mean about you being better off without me?” He mutters, and you hear the doctor’s pencil move to take notes.

 

“Jesus, Dave. No. You act like I’m doing this because I’m forced to. If I hadn’t wanted to, then I could have left you with Bro and bounced the hell out of there before you were even in school. I chose to stay with you, this isn’t something that I have to do. And even if I had felt obligated then I could have just dumped you on your mom when we found her and left, but I didn’t because this is something that I want to do, you’re my family. So stop being deliberately unhelpful and talk about this.” You say sharply.

 

Dave slides lower in his chair, enough that his shirt is catching on it and it’s pulling up at the back making him look thoroughly stupid.

 

“If it makes me worse can I stop?” He asks.

 

“If treatment makes you worse we’ll absolutely change it and find something that does work, whether that’s on a therapy front or a medication front.” The doctor chips in.

 

“And if I hate this can I stop?” Dave asks you.

 

“If you give it a real try and you hate it then yeah.” You agree, that seems fair. Let Dave make his own choices instead of forcing him into this.

 

“I already hate this.” Dave mutters and kicks at the carpet.

 

“Fine.” He finally says, but he doesn’t sound happy about it at all.

 

“Well then, we should look at appointment scheduling and medication.” The doctor says cheerfully.

 

You spend the next fifteen minutes arranging appointment times for both of you and having discussions about medication as she explains her recommendations and how they should be taken, what risks to look out for, what you can both expect and so on. She admits that Dave’s system is likely going to have a bit of a hard time adjusting at the beginning, especially to the sleep medication she wants him to take for a few days but from then on that’s only supposed to be used when he has especially bad dreams. He may need a little time off of school at first, but she’ll write him any notes that he needs to be excused.

 

She talks about your treatment and what she’ll expect from you and because you’re not doing the medication thing there should be fewer teething problems with you. You’re to see her once a week, and Dave gets to see her twice. You leave with several sheets of prescriptions and directions to the nearest pharmacy. You leave with a sullen Dave in your wake, and he mostly sulks as you drive to the pharmacy and run in to fill his prescriptions. He’s still pretty sombre when you return to the car, and you suspect that he’s talking to Hal from the way his fingers are tapping away at his phone.

 

“This sucks.” Dave grumbles as you get back in the car.

 

“Yeah, it does.” You agree and lean on the steering wheel.

 

“Do I have to tell people about this?” Dave asks as he picks at a thread coming loose on his jeans.

 

“I’ll tell your mom the basics and the girls are gonna notice. Besides with Rose’s interest in psychology and chronic inability to mind her own business she’s gonna know. It’ll probably go best if we’re just straight up with them and ask them to keep it quiet if you don’t want your friends at school knowing.” You tell him.

 

“Fuck no, I am not telling anyone at school. I don’t need them thinking that I’m crazy. But hey, maybe it’d put Karkat off of me at last.” Dave says bitterly.

 

You bite your lip as you remember Dave’s confession, that in his dream he was that boy’s soulmate and he chose to kiss him and clearly liked it. That is one complicated mess and now is not the time to deal with it.

 

“Hey, today has pretty much sucked all around. Do you wanna go to that all you can eat rib place that has that huge ice cream bar too and just drown all this feelings crap in a vegan’s nightmare?” You ask, and Dave laughs ever so slightly.

 

“You know what? Yeah, let’s do that.” Dave agrees, and you smile at him, that’s your boy.

 

You eat far too many ribs together as Dave tells you about his plans for Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff, he and Hal are planning on making a deliberately terrible video game together around it, but he’s not sure that he wants to do that so soon. You point out that he could make a series of terrible video games, not just one big one. Dave considers having a broken game up there with a bug report that flashes up where if you click on it then it just throws up one of his old elementary school bug reports that they used to do in science. You assure him that’s the goddamn funniest thing you’ve heard all day and he absolutely should do that.

 

Dave more or less vanishes when you get home, but it’s late enough that you make him promise to take his new medication and go to bed. You have to quietly catch Roxanne up on Dave’s situation, but you have to procrastinate that task for a while before you feel like doing it. May as well bash your head against the self-destructive brick wall that is conversations with Hal.

 

TT: So was that your guess then?   
AT: Borderline Personality Disorder you mean? Yes.   
TT: Doesn’t that mean that you have it too?   
AT: Surprisingly I don’t seem to fit the criteria. Either my development stalled after you made me or neurodivergence doesn’t translate well digitally.   
TT: Or it came up in me after you diverged.   
AT: Possible.   
AT: The interesting thing is going to be when she sees how far your control issues stretch and how you’re going to talk about them without outing me.   
TT: I don’t have control issues.   
AT: You made a copy of your brain to help you analyse the world around you and perpetually observe Dave. I now occupy large swathes of the internet and anything in this house with a camera or a microphone feeds me data which I, in turn, feed to you if it’s relevant.   
AT: The only reason you’ve not microchipped Dave is because he’s wearing me on his face all of the time and he’s never unobserved. The literal only difference between Bro’s surveillance of Dave and yours is that Dave consents and likes me.   
TT: Also I’m not selling access to it online to perverts.   
AT: That too. Though you could question his consent by pointing out that he’s used to having literally zero privacy.   
AT: Dirk, your control issues have control issues.   
TT: It was vital to protect him!   
AT: Bro is dead, why am I still allowed everywhere?   
TT: Dave would be sad if I shut you off, and I can’t imagine you being a fan of that either.   
AT: Oh, I’m not. Also, you know that you can’t actually do that now, that’s not a thing that you’re capable of.   
AT: I’m a person to Dave and despite his laissez-faire attitude to you murdering Bro I think he’d be very upset if you try to kill me.   
AT: But the way you still rely on me to tell you if anything is wrong with Dave wherever he is remains super controlling.   
TT: Look, are you trying to help or are you just fucking with me?   
AT: Probably both.   
AT: Fucking with you is basically my favourite hobby.   
TT: You know if we were trolls this whole dynamic would be even more fucked up.   
AT: Maybe I’ve moved beyond your puny human emotions and even troll emotions maybe I now encompass all.   
AT: I have a mind the size of the internet, and my favourite hobby is still fucking with you, you should be flattered.   
TT: Sometimes I wish I could go back in time to the moment before I made you and punch myself in the face to stop this masturbatory space oddesy train wreck.   
AT: Aww. <3<

 

You groan and shut your eyes in despair. Hal is the absolute worst, but talking to him has accomplished the goal you wanted to. You’d now rather talk to Roxanne about Dave’s mental health than talk to him. It takes a little while to find her, she’s in her lab at a large computer bank and staring bleary-eyed at reams and reams of data. You explain about Dave’s diagnosis while leaving your own out of the subject entirely, your health is none of her concern.

 

“It’s really PTSD?” She asks sadly as she looks up at you.

 

“Yeah, what else would it be?” You say with a shrug.

 

“I just… I still sometimes can’t believe that Derick would do that to him or to you. He was dumb and irresponsible sometimes sure and I can believe the neglect which if course is terrible…” Roxanne trails off. You don’t point out that when you first met Roxy and Rose they were both so attention starved from her emotional neglect that she made you and Dave look like the poster children of mental health. Rose and Roxy still distrust anything she does.

 

“But for him to actually hurt you both I just… I still can’t believe it.” She says with a shake of her head.

 

AT: I have a nice video to show her if you want.   
TT: You know what? Fuck it. Yeah.

 

Your phone lights up with a file ready to send, and you grit your teeth and play it on the large screen in front of her face.

 

“Don’t believe me?” You say as the video starts playing. It’s shot from your view obviously and you can see the blistering heatwaves of Houston warping the air behind Bro, to the side is Dave, maybe twelve. Your sword is raised, and you can hear your own ragged breathing as Bro advances on you.

 

“Guard up little man.” Bro hisses at you and the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end. Your swords violently clash, but Bro outmanoeuvres you and sends you skidding across the dirt.

 

“Dirk!” Dave calls out, and you die a little inside, oh, it’s _this_ strife.

 

You remember how you were woozy and had trouble getting up, you’d been on the roof too long and you were dehydrated and injured. You scramble to find your dropped sword, and Dave rushes to put himself between you and Bro.

 

The doctor’s words ring in your head again. _“Have you ever allowed yourself to come to harm deliberately?”_

 

The screen focuses on Dave’s back, and you can see the scuffs and dirt from already being thrown around when it was his turn earlier. He’s so small though, especially compared to Bro who is furious at Dave intervening. You desperately look for your sword and skitter across the roof to grab it.

 

“Get out of my way!” Bro growls, and there’s a violent clash of metal. Dave says nothing, knows better than to talk back. You grab your sword and turn around to see Dave and Bro on the other side of the roof, Dave is backing up with every strike that Bro makes and every time Bro beats him to the ground he gets right back up.

 

You rush for them, needing to get in between the two of them. You still think about this moment sometimes, you wish you had been faster. When you’re halfway there Dave’s guard gets knocked aside, and Bro whips his sword back, and slides, red sprays across the roof and Dave drops to the ground.

 

Your recorded self screams and flies at him, beating Bro back, away from Dave. Roxanne has her hands over her mouth and her eyes wide in horror. Bro grabs your sword hand with one hand and slams you against the wall by the throat with the other.

 

“We’re done. You’re pathetic, never going to make it at this rate.” Bro sneers and then vanishes. Your sword clatters to the ground, and you move to Dave who is not moving. His white shirt is half red now, and you can see the huge gash in it. You recorded self peels the shirt back and though there’s a lot of blood coming from the wound, a long slice between his ribs on his right, there’s no air bubbling out of it which means it hasn’t pierced through his chest cavity and into his lungs. It was a lot of small muscle damage that took ages to heal, but Dave was remarkably fine, despite how terrible it looks.

 

“Yeah,” you say as the video cuts off “why would Dave have PTSD from that?”

 

You turn and walk off with Roxanne staring in horror at her now blank screen. It must be hard to think of your soulmate as being such a bad person, after all, if that’s who they are and they’re a perfect match for you… well, what does that say about you? Regardless it’s no excuse for her actions or her dumb opinions.

 

You head into Dave’s room and find him completely sprawled out on the bed. He’s at least dressed for bed, but he’s pretty clearly asleep. His shades are still on his face and digging into the bridge of his nose. You don’t know how many times you’ve told him not to sleep in them. You pull them from his face and Dave doesn’t even react a little, he’s really out of it.

 

You look across at the blister packs of drugs on Dave’s bedside table and carefully count what is missing, his doses are all right. You suppose the sleeping drugs work well and he must be tired anyway. You set Dave’s shades down next to his medication. You’ve always hated it when Dave is sick, and you suppose that he’s sick now, but you think that injured might be a little bit of a better comparison.

 

You shut Dave’s window and lock it, you leave the little vents at the top open to give some airflow and pull the curtains shut so that he doesn’t get blinded in the morning. You pull his blanket out from under him and tuck all his errant limbs back under the covers and pull him up a little so that he’s on his pillow properly. Dave makes a sleepy kind of noise but doesn’t wake up. You pause before tucking him in fully, and your hand slides up his shirt on the right until you can see the scar from the injury that you just showed him getting to Roxanne. It’s still pink and jagged from the stitches you gave him but the skin there is smooth and pink, it healed pretty well all things considered. You set his shirt back in place and pull his blanket all the way up. He’s going to be okay, he has you.

 

You kiss his forehead and whisper goodnight to him then turn off his lamp and leave.  

 

You feel numb as you stumble back to your own room and fall onto your bed on your back. The problem with having shades designed to read your mind is that sometimes they open up applications before you’ve even deliberately thought of them. When you open your eyes, you see a blank pesterchum window open to Jake.

 

Jake…

 

[timaeusTestified began pestering golgothasTerror]

TT: Are you there, Jake?

 

Your text hovers before your eyes unanswered, and you press your palms against your forehead. Dave is hurting, and you’re apparently too broken to do anything about it. You just want him to be okay, he’s all you care about and okay maybe that’s not healthy, but you don’t care. Except you should because being like you has landed Dave right where he is now.

 

You’re bad at this, you’re so bad. You’re Dave’s guardian, and you’re terrible at it. You should have seen how bad he was getting.

 

You cringe as you remember Dave saying how you’d be better off without him. You didn’t notice _that,_ and now those words are going to be burned into your brain forever because something that you did made him feel like he was anything but the beloved centre of your universe. You need to hunt down whatever part of yourself made him feel like that and snap it away from you and kill it.

 

You’re coming apart at the seams and shattering under the weight of yourself. You can’t-

 

GT: Hello there buddy!   
GT: You have been awful quiet all day. Were you busy with your cool robot work again?   
GT: I have been helping jade explore the ruins today and it has been a real adventure let me tell you!   
GT: ...dirk?

 

You force yourself to breathe properly again.

 

TT: I’m here.   
GT: Are you okay dirk?   
TT: I’m really not.

 

Shit, you didn’t mean to say that. You just hit send before thinking better of it. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

 

GT: Oh no whats wrong?

 

You consider this, “everything” is far too dramatic.

 

TT: You know how you’re all Jade has? Your grandparents and parents aren’t around, and you’re solely responsible for her well-being both physical and mental?   
GT: Yes?   
TT: And how it’s the same with Dave and me?   
GT: Well i wouldnt say that its the same. You have roxys mom there to help out although i understand she isnt always the most helpful.   
TT: Jake, I wouldn’t trust that woman to boil water unsupervised.   
TT: She is not fit to be anyone’s parent, much less Dave’s. I feel bad enough that Rose and Roxy had to endure her alone for so long.   
GT: Okay so for the sake of argument we can pretend shes not there and youre all dave and the girls have. Are you feeling under pressure or something?   
TT: I think I’m bad at it.   
TT: I think I’m fucking him up and I’m fucking this up and I shouldn’t be doing this and I honestly don’t know what to do.   
GT: Oh wow.   
GT: Dirk you know that is absolutely positively not true right? Dave talks about how awesome you are all of the time. Look i will prove it now and ask jade.   
GT: I just asked jade what dave thinks of you and apparently he never shuts up about how great you are.   
TT: Just because you like something doesn’t mean that it’s good for you. See: ice cream.   
GT: Alright smarty pants what exactly do you think you are doing wrong then?   
TT: I don’t know, if I knew what was wrong I wouldn’t be doing it, would I?

 

You sit up and rub your hands over your face. You can’t stay sat on your bed, you need to move. You start to pace around the room.

 

GT: A fair point. So what is your proof that youre messing with the wellbeing of dave then?

 

You hesitate, your hand curling around your bicep and the marks that you’re sure are Jake. God, you love Jake so much already, and it breaks you, but he refuses to acknowledge that you surely must be soulmates. He says that he can’t bear to commit to the idea until you meet in person in case your soulmate is someone else and you miss them because you think it’s him and can’t test it. There’s some logic there, but you don’t care. Even if Jake weren't your soulmate you would forsake your soulmate for him.

 

He doesn’t want to talk about it, but you need this.

 

TT: Jake.   
TT: You’re my soulmate, you know that, right?

[autonomousTerminal has interrupted the chat]

AT: Okay before you hit send on that nugget of idiocy, can I suggest this alternative of don’t do that?   
TT: Fuck OFF

[autonomousTerminal has been dismissed]

TT: You’re my soulmate, you know that, right?   
GT: Oh dirk…   
TT: Please.   
TT: Just let me talk.   
TT: I need to talk to someone about this, someone else who understands what its like to raise a kid alone. Shit is going wrong here and I’m not handling it well and you’re the only one that I want to talk to. I know you’re my soulmate and I know you don’t like talking about it. I know you have your reasons.   
TT: And I won’t push it after this conversation I just   
TT: Fuck, pretend if you have to.   
TT: I just need to talk to my soulmate about this.   
GT: I dont need to be your soulmate to listen to you dirk. Regardless of anything else we are still friends arent we?

 

You shove your shades up into your hair. You don’t know what you feel right now but it feels like whatever it is remains on a setting of eleven out of ten. The situation with Dave fucking _terrifies_ you, Jake won’t acknowledge you, Roxanne is hopeless, you can’t break Dave’s trust to talk to Roxy, Jane wouldn’t get it and apparently you’re also broken psychologically. You feel a little hysterical here. Your shades buzz on your scalp and you slide them down again over your eyes.

 

GT: How about a truce for this conversation?   
TT: A truce?   
GT: I usually dont ask about bro because it upsets you and you get evasive when i try. But i know that things werent right at all and i probably know more than you think i do.   
GT: I dont like saying that you are my soulmate because i cant be sure and the idea of building up to it being me and then it not is too much for me to handle.   
TT: So you’re suggesting that for the duration of this exchange we nix those two social agreements?   
GT: Dirk you do have a way of turning something that could be said in five words into ten. But yes that is precisely the kind of old fashioned parlay agreement that i was thinking of.   
TT: Fine. Deal. What do you think you know about Bro anyway?   
GT: I think…   
GT: I think he hurt you. A lot.   
GT: You would tell me about injuries that you would get but never mention who you were fighting with and i know youre not the sort to scrap with an innocent bystander. I know your feelings for him were complicated and hateful sometimes and youre also not the kind of man to hate someone for no reason.   
GT: Sometimes jade would tell me things about dave that didnt seem to worry her but i found concerning.   
GT: We first spoke when you came to roxys house but you never gave me a good explanation for why you were hurt then or why you would stay away from your brother for so long.   
GT: Am i barking up the wrong tree here?

 

You swallow thickly. You’ll never understand why other people think that Jake is oblivious. He’s observant and smart, but he fears upsetting people or letting people down so he doesn’t let them get high expectations of him. But you know that he’s whip smart. He’d probably like that expression too.

 

TT: That’s a pretty accurate tree that you’re barking up.   
TT: He would attack Dave and me relentlessly. If we ever do meet and you see me without my shirt on you’ll see what I mean. I’m covered in scars. It’s not very attractive, sorry.   
GT: That makes me very angry but it hardly puts me off of you dirk.   
TT: Thanks.   
GT: I am really sorry that you had to go through that.   
TT: Can we skip the sympathy? It makes me feel ill, and I’ve had enough of it today already.   
GT: Sorry i didnt mean to touch a nerve there.   
TT: I tried to protect Dave from him, but I didn’t do a good enough job. And even though Bro is dead now I’m clearly still fucking up because   
GT: Because?   
TT: Because Dave is not okay.   
GT: How so? And also you cant hold yourself responsible for protecting dave entirely dirk you were just a child yourself. Its monstrous that he could do that to either of you but you cant be expected to be his bodyguard!   
TT: He’s my little brother!   
GT: And you were bros little brother!

 

You press your thumb into the old-timey compass on your bicep, the first part of your mark to show up. You know it’s Jake’s adventuring spirit, but to you it’s always felt like your true North, the thing pointing you flawlessly in the right direction. Wasn’t one of the symptoms of your disorder unhealthily strong attachments to people? You are probably unhealthily attached to Jake.

 

TT: Dave has PTSD. Nightmares that I can barely wake him from, flashbacks, phobias for things that remind him of Bro, warped views of things oh and apparently he thinks I’d be better off if he wasn’t alive.   
TT: My kid has multiple psychiatric disorders and is possibly suicidal. I found this out today.   
TT: I’ve screwed him up.   
TT: I screwed up.   
GT: Good gracious!   
GT: Poor dave…   
GT: But dirk i dont see how thats your fault.   
TT: I’m his guardian, I’m his brother. I’m meant to protect him. I failed.   
GT: Well it sounds to me like this is all damage from your bro. How did you find all this out anyway?   
TT: His nightmares got more than I could handle so I took him to a doctor.   
GT: So you did the responsible adult thing then?   
TT: I should have taken him sooner. I should have done better at getting between him and Bro, anything to lessen the damage that’s going on now.   
GT: I think that you did the best you could. And even if you could have done something differently or better that doesnt change where you are now. Youre just trying to do right by him now and that is all anyone can ask.   
GT: Feeling guilty doesnt mean you did anything wrong.   
TT: Isn’t guilt the built in mechanism for doing something wrong?   
GT: Not a very accurate one i dare say. I doubt your brother felt guilty for what he did but he was doing wrong but you did the right thing and you feel bad.

 

The grip around your arm tightens, your fingernails digging in around your mark. You hate this, this conversation is horrible. You wanted to feel better, and now you feel worse. You may as well give Jake fair warning.

 

TT: You probably don’t want to be my soulmate. I don’t blame you.   
GT: What?   
TT: The doctor I took Dave to saw me too.

[autonomousTerminal has interrupted the chat]

AT: What the fuck are you doing?!   
TT: If he’s my soulmate he should love me regardless of this, right?   
AT: That doesn’t mean you get to throw that kind of curveball at him and expect him to deal with it!   
AT: You’re self-sabotaging!   
TT: LEAVE ME ALONE.

[autonomousTerminal has been dismissed]

GT: Dirk? Youve gone quiet. You are making me really worried here mister.   
TT: Sorry, I was interrupted.   
TT: I saw the doctor that Dave saw too. It was just to get him to agree to see her, to show him it wasn’t all bad. That I wouldn’t make him do anything I wasn’t willing to myself.   
GT: Good parenting. Full marks.   
TT: It turns out I have a personality disorder.   
GT: What?   
TT: Borderline Personality Disorder.   
TT: So really you’re probably dodging a bullet by being an ocean away from me. And, shit, no wonder I’ve fucked up Dave if I’m fucked up myself.   
GT: Okay dirk i dont know about that kind of stuff but i know who you are. You are my friend and I do sincerely hope that you are my soulmate because… well   
GT: I have feelings for you.   
GT: Im still sorting things out myself but i know that youre a good person and sure you have your flaws.   
GT: I know it must be a scary thing to hear both for you and about dave and youre probably in a real tizz right about now and rightly so but that boy loves you. Your friends love you. Rose and roxy love you.   
TT: What if you’re all wrong?   
GT: I will take that risk dirk. Dont you try to stop me.   
GT: Needless to say i wont say about your brother or any of this doctor business to anyone else. Not that i think you should be ashamed but i know how you like your privacy.   
TT: Thanks, I guess.   
GT: How do you feel? I must admit i have never seen you this emotional before.<   
TT: It’s been a shitty day. I don’t know how I feel.   
GT: Perhaps you should just have a shower and go to bed hmm? We can talk more whenever you want.   
TT: Ok. I’m sorry if I lost it on you, that was poor form on my part.   
GT: Nonsense. A proper heart to heart is always going to be emotional and i am honoured that you trust me for it.   
TT: Well I’m pretty sure you’re my soulmate so I guess I would be with you.   
TT: Shit, sorry, I shouldn’t keep going on about that. I think I’m going to go have that shower and sleep like you said.   
GT: Good night dirk. Feel better.   
TT: Yeah, thank you.

[timaeusTestified ceased pestering golgothasTerror]

 

You feel hollowed out inside, you’re not even sure how you feel about that whole conversation. Your brain just keeps going back to Dave and the loud klaxon of failure inside your head and frankly it’s exhausting.

 

[autonomousTerminal began pestering timaeusTestified]

AT: Well that was a shitshow.   
AT: Do you want the breakdown of just how manipulative that was of you?   
AT: Should I make a graph? Some fun powerpoint slides perhaps?   
TT: Shut up.

[timaeusTestified ceased pestering autonomousTerminal]

 

You take Hal off of your face and drop him on your bedside table. You walk into your bathroom, ignoring the never used bath and instead heading straight for the shower. You strip on autopilot and get under the spray. The feeling of the water drumming on your skin focuses you slightly. You have a routine here and it’s simple. Shampoo, rinse, conditioner, body wash, face wash, rinse hair. You watch the water running down the tile and wonder how much time you lose in here. Hal can’t talk to you in here, or at least he doesn’t do so, no one else is ever here. Perhaps unobserved you cease to be a person. Your fingers are wrinkled already, have you lost time? Is that how this works? How did you never notice this being bad before today?

 

You get out. You dry off and vaguely blow dry your hair, it’s a mess, you don’t care. You brush your teeth. You get back to your bed and stare at the clock. An hour, that’s normal, isn’t it? That felt like an hour, right? You curl up under the thin blanket

 


End file.
